10/7/2015…
The day of my last post. Kinda disappointing, really.. I say that because I feel as though I let myself down. I had a dream, a vision of what I wanted to do in life, and so I began this blog years ago.. Now, back in 2015, it seemed as though my life was going great, I had no worries, I was carefree, no fucks being given, just picture your “best life” sort of speak..
What I’m going to try to explain is how a decision I made during a pivotal moment in my life lead me to learning a major life lesson that was crucial for my self evolution..
(By the way: This is the part where you decide to keep reading or not..)
The decision that I made back in 2015, has made me realize that sex is super essential in my life. Listen, without it, my life has not been the same.. I didn’t, until NOW, realize that sex is a basic necessity for me. It’s just natural, it is like breathing to me. It is vital for survival. Now, being the person that I was back in 2015, I had supressed it so deeply inside that the lack thereof had manifested negatively in my outer world..
Fucking crazy shit! It’s like telling an artist that they can’t make art. It’s like telling a surgeon that they can’t operate on anyone.
Excuse me while I digress…
Something you should know before I continue, is that I’m a very extreme person, well, in the sense that I overdo things.. a.k.a. I’m EXTRA. A basic personality trait of mine..
So, during that time in my life, when life as I knew it was going excellently, I decided to self-sabotage! Like, what thee fack!
Until recently, self-sabotaging was something that I would normally do.. I’ve always been hard on myself (no pun intended), so it was normal for me to, at that time, make a decision that has since changed my life, unexpectedly.. I’ll get to that point later on..
At that time in my life, because everything else was going so great, something seemed off, there was something missing.. While over thinking, it made sense to believe that having casual sex with guys, whom I had no feelings for, was something that I needed to change in order to feel completely fulfilled, because something was missing.. But why that?! Oh, because, I don’t know, life was “too good to be true”, and as the extreme person that I am, I decided to want to change one of the things making me happy.. I was unconsciously punishing myself..
I did not think that the following decision was going to benefit my life..
(By the way: For those that don’t know me, know me, I don’t have a problem talking about sex at all, to me it’s a natural thing..)
And although the part about me not feeling completely fulfilled was true, you have to understand, that I am an extreme individual, and so I came up with a way to “fix/solve” what I belived was the problem…
I made a promise to myself all cute as if I was 7 year old and shit… I can say it like that now, but back then, making a promise was the only thing I felt would keep me away from the temptation of sex..
Oh, and not just ANY promise, noooo, no, that wouldn’t be extreme enough.. The promise that I made to myself was that the next time I was to have sex, it would be with a guy that I had ACTUAL feelings for, not just lust.
Now, you can see where I fucking odeed here, right? Me, Michelle, have ACTUAL feelings for a guy?.. Uh, cuando?.. I was clearly setting myself up to be celibate for life…
Not realizing the terrible decision, I decided to make my promise..
Buuuut, for obvious reasons, I fucked up..
Less than a week after I made that promise, I had some sex.. No judging here, right?..
Anyways, so a week later, I decided to reinstate my promise, and this time I was very strict with myself.. I even made a vow to be super disciplined and make sure that I didn’t fuck up again..
Ok, so, fast-forward, to the year 2019..
When I was out to lunch, today, I was thinking back on life, and I remembered of the time I used to blog..
I freaking loved blogging!!!!
But it made me a bit disappointed in myself.. It was as if I had forgotten that part of my life..
I didn’t even have this app downloaded anymore! It’s sad that I had just noticed that I never downloaded it again after getting a new phone. I even had to create a new password because I had forgotten it!!!
When I finally managed to log in, i immediately read the previous post, at the end, I saw the date I last posted. It felt like a smack to the face…
I freaking made the previous post on October 7, 2015… 3 and a half years ago!!!! Precisely, a week after I made that extreme promise which I originally fucked up on.. The one I made a vow on..
Now, you see, the “old” me from 2015, would have probably made this realization, and begin to self-sabotaging again, but my life has changed for the better after that promise was made. I can see how that decision was crucial to make for my self evolution..
Lesson: I must say, despite suppressing my nature (sexuality), and causing me to going into an uncomfortable/ outside of my nature/ comfort zone, I’ve learned things about myself that, if I had not made the crazy decision/promise, I would have not been able to discover other wise..
So, what is the overall point I’m trying to make here, you ask?.. Well, you see.. by making the decision to do something that didn’t feel “secure” to my nature, I created an imbalance. That imbalance was internalized and supressed that it caused a reaction. The reaction was mirrored into my outer world, and created an imbalance there.. As above, so below.. As within, so with out.. get it?
The point I’m trying to make is that if I would have never made that drastic decision, I would probably still have the bad/negative traits that I used to have, the ones that were blocking my energy flow.. My self-doubt, self-sabotaging, and being my own “worst enemy”… I was not “loving” myself.. And although life seemed great at that precise moment in time, It was time for me to evolve, I was not learning lesson… So, something inside was telling me that it wasn’t all that great.. It started to get annoying, but instead of suppressing that thought, I surrendered to my intuition, and trusted my instinct, I did not fight it..
And although to me, life these past 3 and a half years have been some of the worse, a lot of the shit that has happened, which, up until a self-actualization moment in January, I thought was all horrible, they had to happened… NOW see why those things NEEDED to happen..
It seems redundant to say this, many won’t really understand, but every decision you make, no matter how big or small, is being reciprocated by the Universe. (Read that again..)
The Universe, everything around you, everything, is connected..
Now, to many, that statement might not make much sense at the moment, and I won’t apologize…
But yeah, in this game of life, one should strive to be their BEST and TRUEST self… As in any game, to advance, you have to make decisions, choices.. Choices that will impact the greater scheme of things, the overall outcome..
The decisions and choices each one of us has made in life has lead you to be exactly where you are right now..
In this journey called life, there are lessons to be learned, and until you learn them and evolve from those lessons, you will keep making similar mistakes, and getting the same results as the “last time”..
To me, at that point in life, instead of embracing it, living in the moment, and being grateful about my awesome life, I would second guess myself, doubt the good, all the time.. This is a bad trait to have because it projects negatively towards yourself, but I was not realizing those bad traits, and therefore, I didn’t have control over them.. It was about time I needed to eliminate that way of thinking because it was a curse in my life..
During that time, however, I was not seeing how that way of thinking, had been impacting me, negatively, in everything that I was doing up to that point. I would always have a feeling of everything kind of being “too good to be true”. This lead me to become an over thinker, this is also a bad trait I had… Overcoming these bad traits are the reason for this post, and the story of how I convinced myself that having sex without emotion was a problem, and I needed to fix. I didn’t realize the fact that, that one thing I told myself was the problem, was actually my main stress reliever. Yeah, I didn’t notice it then, and to justify that, at the time, I didn’t really smoke weed like that, so it took me longer to realize that.. my lesson, my consequences.. fuck it.
But yeah, so now I always trust my instincts and intuition.. These have helped me learn my karmic lessons and have allowed me to achieve higher self consciousness and evolution..
Every Earthly being has an intuition that only resonates within, that said intuition also radiates through our decisions.. (do you understand now?)
Your intuition is always helping to elevate your own self, it speaks to us at all times, it’s your choice whether you listen… you’ll get ahead.
The reason why people make and repeat the “same mistakes” is because they are not learning the lesson they are supposed to.
What happens when you don’t pay attention to something that you should be paying attention to? You miss the crucial details..
Learn to trust your instinct.. Be true to yourself. Make sure you know yourself enough to make the best decisions for YOU! Don’t let the influence of society’s “norm”, or the opinion of others, have you questioning your self worth, life choices, or your happiness. Do things because they make you happy and you like to do them. Don’t live life a particular way because that is what is being imposed on you.
I’m just saying..
Stop over thinking things.. Let shit go.. Don’t let people get a reaction from you.. Live and let live.. When you let the Universe take the lead, everything turns out for the better because you WILL learn the lesson, no matter how drastic your life changes.
In order for good things to manifest, during chaos and turmoil, great shifts need to happen.
This also goes both ways..
When things are going well, don’t create problems and complicate a situation that was not complex to begin with. If you do, you’ll create a greater problem that begins to consume you to the point where you start projecting that indecisive, doubtful energy out to the Universe. And let me tell you something, all from experience, of course, the Universe matches your vibrations 100%..
So, a word of advice, trust your instinct and intuition as the most effective guide for self growth and helping manisfest…
If you pay more attention, you’ll discover that perhaps something you are doing isn’t in correspondence with the life you should be living..
Take it upon yourself to make decisions based on instinct rather than logic.. Logic is a collective of opinions, upbringing, environment and is mostly subjective to the “norms” of society. Instinct is the way that your higher conscious self speaks to you, for you, by you.. trust it, it never steers YOU wrong..
I trusted my instincts, now I’m back, bitchessss…
😜☺
Namaste.
.LadyofSwords. 